Even when writing this title I couldn’t help but laugh. Because there is no such thing. The concept alone is ridiculous. Yet people make assumptions when two people are together. If they get into a fight, people say well, you’ll work it out. They assume that if your smiling your doing great. Throw in a kiss, a pat or a smile towards your significant other and your good ta go. You’ll get no questions. You could be in a crowd of people and no one would even think your having problems. Because if you’ve been together for any length of time, having problems, big problems, isn’t acceptable. As a couple you become a “fixture”, like a lamp or a chair in their living room. People assume - you’ll always be there. As a couple you become the standard. The base line for every single persons hopes and dreams. Its comedy really. Your in a relationship and you got this single person saying they want what you have. And ya look at them and don’t know what to say because you know what they don’t know or understand yet. That they’re chasing a pink and purple unicorn. A mystical creature that appears if only for a brief moment in our dreams but is the farthest thing from reality.

I got married when I was 21. My lady was 19 at the time. High school “sweethearts”. Looking back at my current age of 36 the thought of it just seems ridiculous. But back then we were “motivated” and we did exactly what we were “supposed” to do. What we were expected to do. We got married, punched out a couple of kids and settled into - married life. In time we became the “fixture”.

We had our problems early on in our marriage, but that was expected - right? That’s what people tell you. So when your in the midst of it ya think it’ll pass. You’ll overcome it, move on and eventually be the old couple sitting on your front porch sharing a cup of coffee, watching all the young people riding around on there bicycles, talking about how things used to be.

And as we watched our friends and family members in relationships and marriages fall one by one - years passed. Next thing ya know you have people asking you for advice. And you want to help, you want to be positive, you want to give some insight - something to help. All the while knowing that there is no guarantees.

So they come to you with questions on communication, finances, infidelity, physical abuse, verbal abuse, a loss of “status”, problems with raising their kids, how to break out of being stuck in the “routine”, lack of sex or the boredom that comes from having a lot of it….:) “All my husband does is zone out on the ball game”, “She doesn’t want me”, “He drinks too much”, “The only thing she talks about anymore is the kids”, “I’ve lost ‘myself’”, etc…….and I can’t help but look at them and - smile. ‘Cause we’ve been there, done that. All of the above….times ten divided by - two.

And we’re still married? YUP! For now. Why? Because all truly IS fair in love and war. If your in a relationship, make no mistake, you got whatever happens coming. How can I say that? Simple. You don’t like the odds of the game, don’t play. You choose to play, you choose to get involved in a relationship with someone else then your gonna get “cut”. Its that simple. And unless your dead what happens to those “other couples” can happen to you. That’s the truth.

So, I’ll give you my best take on a few things based on what I know to be true, having been married for 15 years, two kids and a dog later. And do me a favor. Don’t take this as arrogance, or that I’ve got it all figured out - I don’t. This is just the “insight” that I know and the only thing that separates me from you is that I’m willing to talk about it.

If your in a relationship:

#1. If your “withholding sex” for ANY reason your messing up. You may think your justified. Your not. Give it up. There is no grey area. You don’t like that answer? Get over it. Your mate will be glad you did.

#2. You want and need to be “wanted”. So does your mate. Initiate. Confused by that? See #1.

#3. You “bored” with your sex life? Mix it up - together. That’s “vague”? Damn straight! Its your business. Do what your gonna do, just do it together. You HAVE to keep the attention of your mate! Work towards that.

#4. Finances are an issue? Work on them together. I’m a HUGE advocate for “mom”. I’m a firm believer in women taking care of their kids. ESPECIALLY when they’re young. I think its the best thing for the kids and their mother. But if you can’t afford to do that then do what you can to balance that out. If you can - do it. Then when they’re older - GO BACK TO WORK!!!! And the time will vary from couple to couple, kid to kid. The important thing to remember here is to be willing contribute to the household finances if you need to.

#5. Share the housework. Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc. You helped create it, you can help clean it. If your single you get to do all of it! Its better to do half. Single people get less sex.

#6. “Cheating” is in the eye of the beholder. The definition of what that is varies from couple to couple. The “root” of it is deception and dishonesty. Is it a “deal breaker”? For the naive. How and why is a long subject and the circumstances of it can be complex. Make no mistake, if your in a relationship, given the right set of circumstances - your BOTH capable of it. For the person who “cheated” its a clear sign that they are looking at you and pointing towards the door. They are telling you to leave. Get it? For the person that is cheated on its a clear sign that you haven’t kept the attention of your mate. You haven’t fulfilled SOMETHING. Is that a mean thing to say? Sorry, I’m not trying to be your friend. Just telling the truth. And when you encounter infidelity in your relationship - you need to look at youself first. Can it be overcome? Absolutely. Should you try to work it through? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. But don’t let your pride or the fairy tales you had as a kid prevent you from seeing what needs to be corrected in your relationship.

#7. “Connect” on a routine basis. Not just sexually. Text, “chat”, write letters, send songs, flowers, go on dates, do housework together, etc. How often? Every day. Too busy? Make time. Incorporate your mate into your life. It can be your “New thing ta do that day!”

#8. Communicate. (gotta admit I laughed when I wrote that too!) Why? Because people say that all the time in reference to relationships, they just don’t explain what that means and most people equate it to just talking. Sure, you should talk. But WHAT you talk about should be….hmmm….”raw”. This IS your “mate” - right? You wake up and go to sleep with this person - right? So why shouldn’t they know the how, when and why about your masturbation habits? Taboo? Not for your mate. They should know it all. Why did I choose that? Because its personal, not talked about and that should be the level of communication you have with your mate. Talk to each other on that level and I guarantee you, talking to each other about how, when and where the kids should go to school will be easy. And you’ll understand each other. Looks, expressions, body language will become more clear because you will have seen your mate at their most vulnerable moment. And they’ll stick with you - because they trust you.

#9. You were a “friend” first. Remember that? Remember when you first met? That’s your base line. Your default. Your standard. When times are tough, go back to that and treat each other, talk to each other as friends. And as a friend….you’d want to know all the gory details. As a friend, you’d give your best advice. As a friend, you’d see “their” side. Step back and approach it as a friend.

#10. All is fair in love and war. YOU did this. This is the “life” YOU created. Was it all you? Of course not. But you played a key part in it. Look at you first. Learn from your mistakes and do things differently.

Is there more? Sure. Probably. Will it “solve” anything? I have no idea. Should you stay or should you go? I dunno. Sometimes you need to get over yourself in order to move forward. Sometimes you just need to go.

Or you can do what my wife and I did.

Declare a “redo”. Erase the past. Start over. Re-write it.

Not diggin’ the “married with kids” life? Change it. Turn it upside down. Together. Create a new life. We have sold or gotten rid of nearly everything. We put our old wedding rings in the drawer and replaced them with rings we got for less than $10.00. We bought a car that is soooo not practical - but its fun to drive.

“Our Life”, the one we created as kids, is over. Done. And we’re still together now, not because its what we’re “supposed” to do, or because its “expected” of us, but because - we want to be. And if that changes….and it could, we’ll make sure to send you the “memo”…..:)

Until then, we’re TAKING our life back. We’re gonna travel. We’re letting the kids grow up! We’re remembering…..who “we” are. Doing what we want and cutting our own path.

Hope that works for you. If not? Perhaps your watching the wrong couple…….:)